Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

smh

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today