Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

WHY would you be happy about this?

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

stand with me against insufficient seating

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

Saturday

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family