As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
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[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.
why am I working on Labor Day
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.