As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

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Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.


Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China


My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.


First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.


Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?


BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace


First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.


Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That’s the cheapest birth control you will ever have.


The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.


If I had a time machine I’d go back 10 years and tell myself “Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to.”