As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
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*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe