@heatherlou_

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

You Might Also Like

@ObscureGent

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

@chrizmillr

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

@KentWGraham

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

@JasonLastname

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

@Mom_Overboard

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

@Reverend_Scott

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

@thejessbess

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

@annaetuck

Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That’s the cheapest birth control you will ever have.

@shariv67

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

@kumailn

If I had a time machine I’d go back 10 years and tell myself “Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to.”