As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
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I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
😂😂😂
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
