As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
You Might Also Like
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*