Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.