As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
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WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened