As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
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Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
john wicks are toilet candles