As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
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Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg