Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].