As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
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Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich