as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
