as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Erm I’m gonna say no
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
