Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.