As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
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People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes