As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
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Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually