As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
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Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.