As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
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[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I put the hot in psychotic.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Roses are red, you always mattered,
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.