As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
You Might Also Like
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
problems i need
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.