As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
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I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.