As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
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Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.