As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
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[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Ape together strong
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.