As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
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Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I have questions??
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
I told my vodka about you.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once