As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
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[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Cucumbers Anonymous
brian had himself a morning…
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.