As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
You Might Also Like
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them