As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
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Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8![]()
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My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.