Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin: