As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
You Might Also Like
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal