As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
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My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”