Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive