Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

I am having an out of money experience.

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered