As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
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Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
when nothing goes right… go left
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.