As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
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Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Need WebMD
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat