As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.