As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
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Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
there has never been a better use of this meme
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.