Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

The best shot in the history of golf

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

This is so wrong 😂

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article