As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
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Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”