Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

Spider-cat: No One Home

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

what do you want

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium