Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.