As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
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“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Canada has crack?
Go girl power!
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
😼🖥️
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
My favorite female superhero
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.