Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

My safe word is Worcestershire

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

Meeeee too!

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”