Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.