Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

My teenage children choosing violence

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid