Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

Actually cracking up @ this

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

Seductively sings in Klingon.

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

his wife is probably gonna see that

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.