Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation