As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
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not for long
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
The “baby” on the left….
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?