Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

ibopfufen

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.