Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

Order here:
More here:

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

No chill.

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

I heard you’re supposed to talk to your plants, it helps them grow so when I water mine, I say “you like that, don’t cha?” The artificial plant is still thriving, so there’s that.

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.