As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.
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*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.