As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
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Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
January has been Januweary
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
i love modern commerce
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.