As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
You Might Also Like
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
stop
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I basically called this earlier today
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
