Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*