Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on