As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
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my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
What about second breakfast?
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Too easy.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd