As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
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you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
This made me chuckle.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
So sick of all these stupid rules
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to