As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
You Might Also Like
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Twitter fine art
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.