As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
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Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’