As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
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[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
