As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
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UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.