As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Monday Lisa
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters