As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
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STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
Meanwhile in Portland…
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now