Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.