As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media
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My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?