As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media
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Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I am yelling
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.