As a snake owner, I too am concerned about the recent rash of pet disappearances.
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You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”