As a snake owner, I too am concerned about the recent rash of pet disappearances.
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Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Those are good neighbors.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs