Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.