As a someone who sleeps nude, my opinions on pajamas are immaterial.
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Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My AI girlfriend ran off with my imaginary best friend. I’m gutted – I really miss him.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
BETRAYAL
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit