Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining