As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
You Might Also Like
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Every damn time
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
when unicorns get really drunk
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
You can’t outrun your problems…
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit