As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
You Might Also Like
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
They got Raph!
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.